There is only one reason to shave your head...
	
	

		

Warning, I am going to complain (complain = bitch), so you have been warned.

Allrighty.  Let me see, in the summer of 2000, I had had it with screwing with my hair every morning to get it into a presentable "work hair" mode.  You see, I have been cursed with what medical officials call "capitus finicus", which literally means "hair that wont do shit without 4 gallons of styling products".  I had been living with this problem for many years and I was finally fed up.  One day, during a rare moment of clarity, I came up with a simplistic solution to solve my hair woes, and that was, to shave it all off.   Why not, it works for black guys.  I should be able to partake of lazy hairstyling practices, it's the new millennium.

Shortly thereafter, I was at the store with my 5 year-old daughter, and I saw a haircut place next door.  I thought, "What the hell" and went for it.  I entered the haircut place and told my daughter to go look at the magazines.   A woman greeted me and asked what I wanted.  I told her to take it all off.  She was a little surprised (haircutters are always a tad apprehensive about actually giving haircuts because of the stringent barbershop malpractice laws in effect) but then she realized that there was no way to screw this up.  I sat down in the chair and she went to work.  Two minutes later, I was bald.  I got up, paid the women and told my daughter to that we were leaving.  My daughter, had no idea what I had planned.  She figured that I was just getting a normal haircut, so she was not paying much attention.  You can imagine her surprise when she looked up at her newer "balder" dad.  I saw the tears start welling up into her eyes and I thought we were going to have a full fledged incident, but she fought them back until we got outside, then started wailing at the top of her lungs.  I asked her what was wrong and she looked at me with her tear-streamed eyes and simply said, "My dad's UGLY".  Then she started anew with more sobbing.

There was nothing I could do that would console her.  She was upset, to say the least.  I had no idea that she would react this way.  After a while (i.e. 3 days) she calmed down enough to eat solid foods and all seemed to be well again.

I thought I had planned everything out in regards to parting with my hair (meaning I thought about it for about an hour).  One thing I did not realize, is that, my scalp had not been exposed to the sun since I was an infant.  The problem with being an infant, for me anyway, is that I am sure (although I cannot remember specifically) my mother made me wear some gay-ass hat, or "bonnet" to keep my scalp from obtaining a healthy red hue.  I will never forgive my mom for that.  Anyway, my scalp was, as one co-worker put it, "butt-ass white".  I can only assume that meant that my scalp was the color of ass.  Another thing I did not realize, shaving your head makes you look like a cancer patient.  It looks even worse if you wear a hat.

Within a few days, my scalp finally turned from "butt-ass white" to the normal pasty white guy color which happens to inhabit the rest of my skin.

Even with having the top of my head look like a butt cheek, I think I did the right thing.  My daughter quickly got over he dad being ugly because, she finally realized, that I was pretty ugly before I shaved my head.  I no longer had to spend precious sleeping minutes in the bathroom trying to get my hair to do something that would not make me the target of massive ridicule (I want the massive ridicule to be a result of the things I do and say, which, I have gotten used to).

Now back to the reason I wrote this.  A few months ago, I went to see a George Carlin show.  Now, everyone familiar with Carlin knows he likes to bitch about everything.  He actually said something about white guys that shave their head are idiots and that they are not cool.  I thought this was the coolest thing ever.  I felt I had been insulted by one of the best and I went home a happy bald guy.  Over the next few weeks, I thought more and more about what he had said and I started noticing how many white guys are shaving their heads now.  It's an epidemic.  Thousands of white-guy Chemo-therapy patients walking around like they are the epitome of cool. 

I have no idea why this is the cool thing now.  I was well aware that shaving my head could have an affect on my coolness, but being aware of things having a negative impact on how cool you are, makes you that much cooler.  I figured I was already pegging out the cool meter so there was no reason not to shave my head.  I shaved my head out of unmitigated, pathetic, laziness.  If someone shaves their head for any other reason, they are un-cool.  They are just trying to jump on the Goodmeat Kool Bandwagon (sponsored by: Kool cigarettes).  There is nothing else they can do to redeem their coolness until their hair grows back, or falls out.

One more thing I feel I need to mention.  Guys that shave their head because they are going bald is fine with me.  Going bald naturally gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want to your hair.

 

Remember kids, shaving you head to be cool is not cool.  Shaving your head to be cool can and will make you the target of massive ridicule from some internet nobody who has nothing better to do than to write idiotic stories about stuff that he "observes", and bitch about stuff that no one cares about.

 


	
	

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