Cheese

Is there anything more alluring than pressurized cheese in a can?  I am here to tell you that there is not.

Note:  Shortly after posting this, someone informed me that there is indeed something more alluring than pressurized cheese in can.  So here it is; The only thing more alluring than pressurized cheese in a can, is pressurized cheese in a can containing a picture of boobs on the label with a convenient nipple-top nozzle.

Last night, at about 6:00pm, I was playing a game on my computer when I started to feel the pangs of hunger tickling at my insides.  I knew that I had to eat soon, but I was just too damn lazy to put pants on.  What was I to do?  I know in hippie-liberal Oregon, you can go to the hemp store and get hemp patties for $2.99 a dozen with or without pants.  The problem was that I was not in Oregon, I was in Doha Qatar, where the men wear white dresses, and the women are lonely. 

Well, I did not have a white dress, therefore, I was either going to put on pants, or starve.  As hunger started to overtake me, my vision started to blur.  I sat there for a few minutes thinking about boobs when a hazy memory surfaced in my mind.  I remembered something about a strange room, a mythical room that is hinted at in the hushed circles of men, a weird magical room where women go in and food comes out,  a strange alien room that I think is called a kitchen.  I quickly got my trouser-deficient ass out of my chair and cautiously meandered into the living room.  If this "kitchen" really existed, I had to find it quick.

I made a quick scan of the living room.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, no magic door into the promised land.  With a sigh of disappointment, I turned around and started back into my room.  As I passed the bathroom, I saw something in the corner of my eye.  I turned and saw, to my amazement, what I had been looking for for so long (about 5 minutes). 

The Magical kitchen was before me.  I quickly entered and reveled in its brilliance.  So bright, so linoleum-esque, so cupboard-laden.  I noticed a sink near a bunch of dirty dishes and thought, due to the proximity of the dishes to the sink, that it would be perfect for a person of the female persuasion to clean those dishes.  I immediately thought of calling my wife, but then remembered that I had a maid that visited us every Friday, and she was indeed female, so I did not have to bother my wife.  I now understood what I pay her $8.00 a week for.  I thought that the $8.00 was for laundry alone.  Boy was I wrong.

Well, at this point, I was not getting any less hungry, so I started searching the cupboards.  Most of the cupboards were bare, I was started to get worried.  I kept searching and when I came to the last cupboard, I found, sitting before my unbelieving eyes, the greatest food of all time.  That's right, I had located an unopened can of sharp cheddar Eazy Cheez.  I was so excited, I wet myself.

Now, everyone knows that the best way to enjoy aerosol cheese is with Chickin' in a Biscuit snack crackers.  I searched and searched for some crackers, but sadly, I found none.  The only thing I did find was a package of wafer cookies.  What I did after that, I am not proud of.  I quickly picked up the Eazy Cheez and the wafer cookies, went back to my room and started eating cheez-cookie sandwiches.

I don't know what happened after that, I must have blacked out after I finished off the can.  I woke up the next morning in my bed with a pressurized cheese gluttony hangover.  My head was pounding and since I had rolled over onto the Eazy Cheez can while I was sleeping, my back was killing me.  I pulled the can out from underneath me and swore an oath that I would never overdose with the Easy Cheez again.

I kept that oath until about 4 hours later.  I went to the store to get some soda and immediately felt the calling of the Eazy Cheez from the snack aisle.  I tried to fight it, but I quickly succumbed and bought a can with some Chickin' in a Biscuit.

 I am not a strong man.