FAQ AQ (Asked Questions)

Ok, since FAQ stands for "Frequently Asked Questions", and no one has asked me anything frequently, I have decided to have an "AQ" section.   If you have a question, feel free to ask here

To get you all started, here are some examples:

Dear Brooks,

Why are you so cool?

Here is another example...

Dear Brooks,

My friend said that you were not cool, so I pushed him into an oncoming subway train.  Will I go to hell?

Ok, you get the idea, so, here goes:

Ok, lets take this one slow.

First of all, if you ask my wife, she will tell you that she is a fan of no man, rather, all men are fans of hers.  I zealously believe her because she tells me to.  When I am not here in Qatar, you can find me at her feet, waiting for a chunk of love to fall from her pedestal that I built over the course of 13 wonderful marriage-filled years. 

Anyways, since this is the case, then that promotes you "fan #2."  See how quick and easy it is to move up in the world when you visit this site?

As far as the term "fan," I am not sure we should start down that path to madness.  If I am not mistaken, and I rarely am, the term "fan" is a derivative of "fanatic," and I don't think the world needs a bunch of goodmeat fanatics running around wrecking up the place.  Things would get out of hand and I would have to go the Jim Jones route.  "Would you like some Kool-Aid?"

Hmmmm, mental note, cult tragedy jokes never work.

All this fanatic crap aside, we can all agree that the site is entertaining, and I suppose any vernacular chosen should be embraced.  The fact that there is the illusion of fans, or fanatics, is ego-boosting enough for me.  Just keep building up my pedestal, I assure you that some love chunks will fall.  Just keep in mind, all love that falls to the fans, is actually love waste that is left over from the scant attention chunks my wife lets fall off her pedestal. 

You all might think that this whole waiting at the parapet of loveliness that is my wife is extreme, but if you knew her, you would beg to take my place.  I was not kidding when I said everything she did was art.  She can vomit on on your ceiling and turn your house into the Sistine Chapel.  I am not kidding.

Ok, enough of that, I think you actually had a question somewhere, a question that needs to be answered to save your sanity.  I will do my best (translation: I will make up a bunch of crap that I think is funny and add some scientific sounding terms to give my response some credibility).

In case you forgot what the hell this is all about, and why you are sitting at work, on company time reading this, here is the question again:

Why do some guys have what looks like nose hair growing on the out side  tip of their  nose?

This is actually a question I had myself, just without the insanity undertones.  I noticed one of my co-workers suffered from this exact affliction.  For the sake of the New England Journal of Medicine, we shall call this Exterior Proboscial Foliculitus Barbae, or EPFB, which is Latin, of course, for barbed, exterior nose hair.  Anyhoo, my co-worker, lets call him "Chip," is in his 50's, and he seems to be unaware of the forestation spreading on his nose.  Chip also seems to be suffering enjoying the fact that he also is a card carrying member of the Interior Proboscial Foliculitus Barbae Association (IPFBA). 

I think to some people, unsightly nose hair is a badge of honor.  Maybe they shaved their nose, and now the fine hair that was there, got upset, and decided to come back with a vengeance.  We could hold them all down, and pluck the offending follicles, but I sure as hell are not going to volunteer for that.  I don't think I could if I wanted to, since for some reason, when I talk to "Chip", I just stare at the nose hair like I am in a trance.

I don't think they should be anathematized.  There are much worse people out there.  If I had the power to curse people, I certainly would start my hexing on the Arabic driving schools here in the Middle East.  What the hell are they even doing?  Not teaching defensive driving, that's what!

Maybe a bill should be passed, it could create work for the unemployed.  I will talk to my fanatics lobbyists up on the hill*.

Note:  The hill I speak of is Capitol Hill, using the term "up on the hill" is something Washington insiders do to make themselves feel superior, and I desperately want to belong.  I have needs.

I do not know if this answers your question, since I forgot it already, but I will get to the bottom of this, I assure you, just as soon as one more chunk of love falls from my wife's pedestal.

P.S.  As far as "odium" goes...Do I really give people the impression that I am a hater?  Do I complain that much?  Have I made a poem about "oduim."  The answers to these questions may never be answered, but I can tell you that "Ammodium" works wonders.  Being a professional Eazy Cheeze eater (Product slogan: "It'll bind ya!"), I often use Ammodium AD to get me through the splashy nights.

Note:  I am aware that nothing in the previous paragraph made any actual sense.

Dear Brooks,

Is it true that you _________?  For example, "Did you really pierce your pet stiffasaurus," or "Did your duck really spray duck-poot all over your dog? 

The answer to these questions is, sadly, yes.

Dear Brooks,

Why do you look like the biker guy from Weird Science?

Roy

Hmmmm, well, I can only assume that you mean this guy:

Well, Roy, I have a question for you...

Why do you look like a big fat penis?  

Seriously though, I don't know why, I am just lucky, I guess.