German Forms

 

I think I am finally done in-processing Germany.  You all thought I was just being lazy.  That being said, you all still probably think that I a full of scheissn (German for excrement, pronounced shi-zah, with the accent on the shi), but I shall explain.

 

I arrived in Germany in February this year (2005), and quickly learned that in order to pose as a contributing member in German society; I would be required to submit a large pile of paperwork to the German authorities.  When I say large pile, I mean roughly 2 forms.  I know 2 forms does not sound like much, but believe, these are the scary bad kind of forms. These forms are written in German, as well as English!  I would even go as far to say these forms are of the “honking1” variety.  I know this is hard to believe, since as Americans, we think all official forms should be in English and non-“honking” (what good is it to be the most powerful nation in the world, if all other nations do not adopt English as official form language).  In any event, here is an example of the signature block found on German entry control form 22345-actungkinderverboten-3445:

 

Block 24/Blockenziesquarenduwrittenzieheren 24   __________________________________

                                                                                          Signature/unterscrifptnamenziescribblen

 

I know, I know, that is some scary scheissn right there.  Try not to pissen in your pantzen.  

 

One of the forms I had to fill out was a TESA agreement.  This form is a sort of elongated2 resume that details all your occupational knowledge on one lengthy and hard to read form.  This form is necessary, according to German authorities, is to ensure you are not stealing a job that a German could perform.  Apparently, unemployment runs rampant in Germany, and they want to make sure that all possible jobs are awarded to all possible Germans.  I understand this, and in no way would ever knowingly take a job away from a qualified possible German.

 

Ok, let’s take a mid-paragraph break; are there any questions so far?

 

Imaginary goodmeat.net reader:  “Why are you schooling me in the idiosyncratic ways of German employment forms?”

 

Me:  “First of all, the correct German word for “German employment form” is “deutschworkenzieformen”.  Second of all, I receive a daily berating from all the imaginary goodmeat.net readers for not updating this site in like a brooksillion3 years.  Third of all, how else can I fill up an entire webpage of rhetoric in order to cover up for the fact that I am a lazy slack-ass (slackenzie-assen)?  Fourth of all, this is the first time ever in print anyone has used the term fourth of all.  Remember this day!  In about five years, it will be a question on Jeopardy!.”

 

In all actuality, the reason is because my job is rather specialized, and there is no way any German would be able to do it.  It requires clearances, accesses and a working knowledge, nay, expertise, of a custom made (in this case, custom made = poorly coded) software system.  This software system licks so much hairy balls that administering it is like licking a cheese grater; Unsavory and painful.  The Germans with their papers and forms do not care about this.  They have no love for me or the ensuing grater-licking that accompanies my work.  They only care about themselves, and their economy, and crap like that.

 

So, before this becomes boring, I filled out the forms, and after about 19 rewrites, the forms were accepted.  I am now legally working in Germanyland, and am able to lick all the cheese graters I want.

 

Ok, moving on...All German form-foolery aside, I can now get back to the reason I started writing this.  That reason, as I stated earlier, is that I am finally done in-processing Germany.  I rented a house, bought a car, enrolled the kids in school, ate some schnitzel, drank some beer, stole some office supplies from work, etc.  Now I can finally rest easy and get down to some hardcore grater-licking.

 

I love my job!

 

1.      Honking, in this context is used to denote something large, very large.

2.      Elongated, here means roughly 34 pages.  34 landscape pages, not that wuss portrait crap.

3.      Brooksillion is a really big number, so big you cannot imagine it, so therefore, I am not going to explain it.

 

 

Back