Letters to the Thumbmaster

All letters are un-edited.  If you have a comment, or just want to tell me how cool I am, feel free to contact me.

Dear Mr. Goodmeat,

I have just read you Amazing story and I have to say I am horrified. I only have one thing to say you are going straight to hell for this one. Just remember I said that when your in purgatory with all you colored ball friends.

Thank You,

Concerned Religious Zealot

Well, Mr/Mrs Religious Zealot.  I will have you know that I was already going to hell before I wrote the amazing article.  It just so happens I sold my soul to the devil for Wham! concert tickets back in 1984. 

Was it worth it?

Hell yes, it was Wham-tastic!

From: Shon Mclean
To : "'brooks@peanutsweb.com'" <brooks@peanutsweb.com>
Date : Wed, 2 Jul 2004 15:18:18
Subject : Answer my damn letter


Hey Thumbelina.



I saw your website. You think your thumbs and the thumbs of your family are any match for me? I've thumbwrestled around 5000 challengers since I was 5 years old. I'm now 29 years old. I have NEVER lost a thumbwrestle. You say on your website for any challengers to "bring it". Oh, it's been brought.
Let's hope your website is only a joke, because you should be scared. Guinness World Records knows of my existence, contact them if you want to meet my demands.
May the thumbs be with you.
Shon Bryr of the Clan McLean

"Individual liberty and interdependence are both essential for life in society...It is beneath human dignity to lose one's individuality and become a mere cog in the machine."

 

Dear Shon,

5000 challengers since you were 5 huh?  Hmmm, you are 29 now, so you would have to have thumb-wrestled about 1.7 thumbs a day to reach 5000 opponents.  The question I have is, where are the people that are walking around with 7/10^ths of a thumb?  And why would you pick on them?  That would be like me challenging someone that is not me to Simpsons Jeopardy...

Me:  "I'll take 'Simpson's Quotes' for 95,000,000,000, Alex."

Alex Trebek:  "He said, ' I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.' "

Someone that is not me:  "Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Me:  "Homer Simpson!"

Alex Trebek:  "I'm sorry, you must phase it in the form of a question."

Me:  "Who is Homer Simpson?"

Alex Trebek:  "Too late Thumbelina"

Me (Rushing Alex and gouging a whole in his windpipe with my thumb):  "ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH, SCREW YOU ALEX TREBEK!!!"

Seriously though, you seem like an angry young lad.  You might have a talented thumb, and you have an impressive record of thumb-stomps, but you have not learned the most important aspect of the one true thumb.  The power of the thumb must only be used in self defense, or if a someone, like Alex Trebek, annoys you.  An example of this would be a coworker whistling an annoying song, like What if God Was One of Us, by  Joan Osborne, and then you end up with that song in your head all damn day.  This is the only time thumb violence is tolerated.   If this happens to you, feel free to use your thumb to gouge a hole in their throat.  Once this is learned, you will have the control needed to carry this awesome burden.

Learning this sort of thumb control is not something you can learn over a three day weekend.  In fact, for the non hammer-thumb people (the "normals"), true thumb awareness comes only after years and years of intense study.  For many normals, this wisdom is never achieved.  If the more belligerent of the normals do not attain this wisdom, they will be doomed to a life of shame and vagrancy working the underground thumb-wrestling circuits of Indonesia.  Thumb-wrestlers are like boxers, meaning that they burn out quickly.  After a short career, however glorious, they are left with a flat, listless, unremarkable thumb.  Thumbs like this makes it difficult to pick up chicks.

I hope you heed my words Shon.  Do not give into the fleeting fame of Thumb-wrestling!  In the end you will only hurt yourself, your thumb, and your ability to score with chicks.

Regards,

Thumbelina Filbert of the Clan Goodmeat

"There can be only one!"

From: McPott, Smokey
To : "'brooks@peanutsweb.com'" <brooks@peanutsweb.com>
Date : Sun, 20 Jun 2004 17:26:54 +0300
Subject : question




Dear Mr Brooks the greatest,


You Do Not have to publish this, but I have many questions for you and your magical wisdom. Now knowing that I have many questions let's just start with this one. Why do people in uniform believe that contractors DO NOT exist while watching TV in the chow hall? Was it because they hate us for making more money or is it they feel that they are better or well how about they suck and we don't. Thanks

Signed,

Smokey McPoTT

Smokey,

This is a major problem for me.  It has happened to me many times.  I am about to snap.

I will be eating at the dining facility, sitting in front of the TV, minding my own business, while watching ice hockey when out of nowhere, some faggoty Major comes over and changes the channel I was watching from Ice Hockey to "The View".  I would like nothing more than to punch this femboy in the throat.  In fact, I am sure we all would.  The problem stems from the fact that my job requires a security clearance.  Since violent acts against a military officer normally result in a revocation of your security clearance, I am forced to not punch him in the throat.

This would not even bother me if the faggoty major asked me if he could change the channel.  I would let him if he asked me, then I could laugh and snicker about his choice of programs.  That would be worth it to me since I cannot punch him in the throat.

I suppose this has a lot to do with money.  We, as contractors, make more money and they hate us for that.  This fiduciary gap not only affects the dining facility, it also seeps into other aspects of work as well.  For one thing, if I do not look like I am "hair on fire" busy every minute I am at work, they think I am lazy and need to be fired.  My job entails keeping servers up and running.  If these servers are operational, my work is done, and I think I should be free to do other things, like update this site.  If my servers are not operational, my hair will actually catch fire and I will work non-stop until I fix it.

Of course, my argument falls on deaf ears.  They apparently want me to look busy anyways, which is not easy for me.  Pretending to be busy when you are not is the same as lying in my book.  My employers are forcing me to lie to them so that they can feel they are getting their money's worth.

I know this does not answer your question Smokey.  I am not sure you actually phrased a question in your email for that matter.  I will just agree with you in saying "...well how about they suck and we don't"

Sounds good to me.

From: Kennon K
To : "'brooks@peanutsweb.com'" <brooks@peanutsweb.com>
Date : Wed, 9 Jun 2004 17:04:32 -0500
Subject : Answer my damn letter

Is there an official medical term for "hammer thumbs" or as you like to call them "ball-pein thumbs?"

Thanks,

Kevin

Well Kevin, after conducting hours upon hours  of tedious research (translation:  long enough for me to think up a scientific sounding term), I learned that the actual medical term for 'Hammer Thumbs' is "Pollex Regalis", or "Kingly Thumb."  Ask any medical professional and they will surely say "Huh?"

I know this sounds far fetched, but in latin, 'pollex' means 'thumb, or big toe,' and 'regalis' means 'pertaining to a king.'  Since my thumb looks like a big toe, and it is the 'one true thumb,' this is the only explanation that make sense.  Latin may be a dead language, but it sure is useful for explaining the unimportant aspects of medical terminology.

Kevin, you may think this is a cop out.  I could have said the medical term for my thumbs is 'ball-peinicus-wide-ass-icus", or "digitus majorum", or even "thumbsohuge-icus-womenwonderaboutmytrousermeat-ium."  I apologize.  This time I had to go with the actual medical term.  Life is not all fun and games you know and some people (translation: 0) use this site for insightful medical sounding terms and pharmaceutical information.  I have to keep it real.  I know you can understand that.

Pharmaceutical tip of the day:  Morphine is not a toy.

Brooks

Dear Sir,

After reading your Cake article, I still believe hole heartedly that you CAN NOT have your cake and eat it too. If you eat half the cake that spoils the natural beauty of said cake, and even if it did not, you would eventually get the hunger and have another cake craving and once again your cake would be gone. To therefore you still can not have your cake an eat it too.

Now the 2 cake theory is interesting but still would not work for several reasons. The first is same as above if you devour your first cake, yes you would still have the second cake to admire, but the more you admire it the more you would want to devour it, and eventually you would give into your base instincts and devour cake number 2. At that point you would probably get really sick to your stomach because you just devoured to whole cakes. Now lets just day for fiction purposes, that you are able to resist devouring cake number 2(this could never happen, but lets just say in theory) well you have been flaunted the cake to your wife and kids, so now they will be having cake cravings, yes you can guard it for awhile but you have to sleep eventually, and when your asleep your loving family will greedily devour your cake, its not that they want to its they have to, the cake gods decreed that no man shall have his cake and eat it too. I could go on but it boils down to the basic fact man was not meant to have his cake and eat it and you can not resist the will of the cake/pie/cookies gods (you know the holy trinity).

So in conclusion, your article is completely wrong(except the whole Paul Walker, Timeline bit) there's is no way you or any other man can have his cake and eat it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for your time,

Buddha "I ate way to many cakes" McVillain

Dear Buddha McVillain, (I don't even know where you were going with that 'pseudonym')

Holy crap, I totally forgot about the whole holy trinity thing.  I do not want to piss them off!

I have thought of a way around your scientific sounding ideas, which, by the way, are weird and scary to me.

I will build a large cake shaped oven.  It will be so realistic, that if you did not know it was an oven, you would try to eat it, even the holy trinity would be fooled and would burn their holy tongue on the elements.  The oven will be constructed so that it spits out cakes automatically upon the push of the button.  This way, the oven can be your cake to have, and cakes the oven spits out, can be the cakes you eat.

And i'm spent...

From: Dana
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2004 8:45 AM
To: brooks.gutfleisch@auab.aorcentaf.af.mil
Subject: Hello from Dana


Hello there Brooks...
Just wanted to say that I read your latest entry on your webpage...
Ummm... It is definitely a 'guy thing'... 
Happy Anniversary to you and your wife!!! May you have many more!!! Hope all is well with you!!! 

OH, I don't think I will draw a picture for your latest entry....
Sorry... Even though I have one.. I am not into 'drawing them'... 

The Artist ...(Dana)

You are not going to draw it? Come on! Remember when I wrote:

"Brooks Goodmeat got the vagina ball rolling by stating, to the entire world, through his clever web site..."

This is a perfect opportunity. I have no idea what a "vagina ball" would look like.  Is it one big vagina formed into a ball?  Or is it many vaginas packed tightly into a mass, sort of like a snowball?  These are serious questions, but I am sure you could think of something.

Ok, I am joking, but this whole vagina ball thing is intriguing.

Maybe I should have included a women's point of view, saying stuff like this:

"Some women like broad shoulders, some like butts, etc. You have shoulder-women, butt-women, but you never hear a woman saying that she is a penis-woman." Does this mean that women do not like penises? I am fairly sure in my limited knowledge that they do..."


This could work, but I do not think that any woman has ever said she was a "shoulder-woman".

Actually, I struggled with this and I almost did not post it. Again, staying away from toilet humor is not easy for me. I had my wife read it and she was not overly offended, so I went with it. I also had one of my male friends read it, and he thought it was funny. This male friend, in fact, told me after reading it that he was glad I was getting back to my "roots". 

How am I supposed to take that? Is that a compliment?

Anyways, thanks for the email, I will inform my wife of your best wishes.

From: Yak
To : "'brooks@isthebomb.com'" <brooks@isthebomb.com>
CC :
Date : Tue, 16 Mar 2004 18:49:58 +0300
Subject : Answer my damn letter

Brooks...  you're cool.  I thought you'd like to know that...
but your fan art is gay... (I know - if I can do a better job - bring
it)....

Your stories are the bomb.... heh Brooks,,,disco
went out in the 70's....

Keep up the great work on your web site... you have some fans
back in Ohio...

Later,  Yak
 

This is a red letter day for me.  What the hell does that mean anyway?  Red letter day?  What am I 80?  Hmmm, maybe I am supposed to pick a letter.  I am so confused, I don't even know what the hell I am talking about anymore.  Ok for the sake of red letter days everywhere, I will choose a red letter.  Here goes...

I hereby choose, for the first ever goodmeat.net red letter day, the letter "L"!  Phew

I HEREBY CHOOSE, FOR THE FIRST EVER GOODMEAT.NET RED LETTER DAY, THE LETTER "L"!

Note:  The "L" stands for "Lickariffic"

I know, I know, it is very hard to not get unnecessarily excited.  Try to keep your emotions in check.

This just in, a picture of the Goodmeat.net Red Letter Day celebration in the United Kingdom:

Note:  In England, the "L" stands for "Limey"

Ok, enough about Great Britain.  I am so very excited.  I actually have proof that people read this site.  I thought all this time my family was just being nice.

The coolest part about this letter is that the only part of this site that is criticized is the "Fan Art." (and to a lesser extent, disco)  I don't even create the fan art, if I did, there would be a section on the site called "Crap Art.".

I don't think things can get any better than they are right now.  Wait, what am I talking about, of course they could, I could be swimming in a pool filled with sharp cheddar easy cheese, or sleeping instead of updating this site. 

Ok, I am tired now.  Thanks "Yak" for the encouragement.  I am going to sleep now and dream about the United Kingdom Red letter day celebration, sponsored by goodmeat.net.

Date : Sat, 31 Jan 2004 12:16:38 +0300
Subject : question

Ok Mr. all high and mighty I have a maid guy,

I to live in Qatar, and I too have a house that comes with maid services, as
matter a fact I have the same maid service you do. My solutions to your
dilemma:

1. Pretend you don't have a maid. That's my solution. I do my own laundry so
I don't worry about whether everything is washed or not. I make my own bed
and most of the time do my own dishes because our imaginary maid can't seem
to get them clean. Of course sometimes I don't wash my dishes and let the
maid to do it, because there is nothing like pulling out a bowl to make some
Cheerios and finding that special surprise growing at the bottom of your
bowl, mmmmm, mmm tasty.

2. Quite complaining it does no good, unless you are willing to starve the
poor woman and her poor family by firing her, then complaining is going to
do absolutely no good. Believe my I have tried to talk to the lady it just
doesn't work.

3. Your not paying the maid out of your own pocket, so see step 1.

Thanks,

Mr. All high and mighty I pretend I don't have a maid

Hmmm, ok, let me get this straight.  If I ignore the maid, my maid problems will go away?  That is brilliant.  I think I am going to try that at work.  When one of my underlings comes up to me to bitch about how sick they are, I can just ignore them and they will stop bothering me.  I am so excited!  Be right back...

...

...

...

Ok, back.  Well I tried it.  One of my co-workers, lets call him "Girlyman," came up to me and told me he was sick, no big deal, except this was the 9th time this week he was sick.  I ignored him.  He eventually went away, when I say went away, I mean he died.

Thanks a lot dude!

Wait, that sound sarcastic, ok, how bout this,

Thank you very much, Mr. Dude,

Dammit!!  Still a tad facetious.  Ok, one more time,

I am very happy with the informational advice that you have impressed upon me, therefore, I would like to take a moment to express my undying gratitude.

Phew, ok, I feel better now.

Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2003 12:12:46 -(GMT +3) Kuwait Riyadh
From: (address withheld)
To: <brooks-john@imbetterthanyou.com>
Subject: I have a damn question

I just read your THUMBS article, over all its well written, but you never explain why your thumbs are so awsome. Personally I think your thumbs suck!!!! Mine are much cooler which makes me better than you. Now having said all that I have a question; I have heard that thumb size directly relates to the size of your "pee pee" is this true??? PersonallyI think it is because I have nice long well developed thumbs and I have a nice well developed...... well you know. Any ways any help you may provide in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

V/R

Iambetterthanyou

(thats my name and yes its true)

Well, Mr. Iambetterthanyou, I feel the picture of the "one true thumb" is explanation enough as to why my thumbs are, as you put it, "awsome".  

You think my thumbs suck?  Well, I can only pity you.  I bet you tried to ball-pein your thumbs to be more like me but, after you realized the pain involved, you probably cried like a little bitch and gave up.  You obviously have no idea how hard it is to live with the burden of awesome thumbs.  People every day come up to me asking me if they can suck on my thumbs.  I really can't blame them, but it does get old.  Having this sort of prehensile-celebrity status takes great patience, and I really don't think that you could handle it.

As far as thumb size being related to "pee pee" size, well, if that were true, I would have a 4 ft long "pee pee" with the diameter of a tuna can.  All I can say about that is, yes, thumb size is directly related to "pee pee" size.  In fact, one of my lesser known physical attributes is that I only have one leg.  It looks like I have two legs, but, well, I actually only have one.  Back in the 70's when I was heavily into CB radio, my handle was "Dr. Sausage."  Also, I can't wear shorts, because it would be obvious that my bulging veined left leg was not actually a leg.  

I could go on and on about the size of my "pee pee", and how I have taught myself to walk with one leg and one large boner taking the place of my absent leg, but its not about that.  This is about how my "one true thumb" will someday either save the world, or destroy it.  I have not really decided about that yet.

I hope this answers your questions.

Date: Thu, 28 Nov 2003 07:05:37 -(GMT +3) Kuwait Riyadh
From: (address withheld)
To: <brooks-john@imbetterthanyou.com>
Subject: I have a damn question

After reading your enlightened story on Easy Cheese I have a questions. What makes Easy Cheese so tasty??? I mean if you eat regular sharp cheddar its OK, but its nothing special. So what is it that makes Easy Cheese so yummy??? I MUST KNOW PLEASE MR GOODMEAT HELP ME!!!!

Yours Truely,

That Guy

Well, Mr. Guy, that is indeed a great question. The reason Eazy Cheez is so tasty is...well, I don't know really. If I knew that, I would not have to work. I could just stay home and make my own Eazy Cheez instead of having to go to work to make money for my habit. I tried to contact the makers of Eazy Cheez, and they told me that it was a highly guarded secret. I can't say that I am surprised, or that I blame them.

Ok, as you can see, I have run out of talent and I am no longer able to find anything amusing to say.

Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 13:51:34 -(GMT +3) Kuwait Riyadh
From: Rob (address withheld)
To: <brooks-john@imbetterthanyou.com>
Subject: I have a damn question

Well, Mr. No capital letter at the beginning of your sentence, it all started a very long time ago in the tiny kingdom of California. My father was a disgruntled grocery store produce manager, and my mother was an albino midget. Ahhhh, those were the days...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the reason I suck is because of basketball. I hate basketball. Well, I don't hate watching it necessarily, but playing it is something that I totally suck at. Ok, saying that I suck at basketball is an understatement. I am so bad that a reeking void of suck follows me when I touch a basketball, or when I go near a basketball court. Anyway, since I suck uncontrollably at basketball, there is bound to be suck spillage. This is why I seem to suck all the time. My sucking proficiency has leaked into other aspects of my life. Ask anyone I work with. They will surely tell you that I suck. If you were to ask my children, they would tell you that even though I try to be a responsible parent, I just plain suck.

So, as you can see, this is all the fault of basketball, and to a lesser extent, the NBA for promoting an activity in which I suck.

Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2003 19:14:34 -(PDT) 05:14:34 (GMT +3) Kuwait Riyadh
From: address withheld
To: <brooks-john@imbetterthanyou.com>
Subject: faq off

Hi, why does chinese food smell so much like chinese food even after it has
been digested and shot out my dog's ass while he pleasures himself with the
pillows on my bed? And how can it possibly come out his ass that shortly after
consuming it? I need answers!!!!

Signed, Pillowless in Portland.

I can see at least 3 questions in this email. I will address all of them individually.

Question: ...why does chinese food smell so much like chinese food even after it has been digested and shot out my dog's ass...

Answer: Well, "Pillowless", I am glad you asked. Chinese food is an exotic delicacy enjoyed the world over. I personally, am a fan of "Sesame Chicken". Which is pretty much, sticky pieces of chicken sprinkled with sesame seeds. I don't know how they do it, but it tastes damn good. Sometimes I get "Kung Pao chicken". Every once in a while, I will get "Lemon Chicken". "Lemon Chicken" is cool because the chicken comes un-sticky, and you get to add the sticky lemon sauce to the chicken. I tell you, those Chinese sure do know how to make eating fun.

Ok, back to the question. Chinese food is able to retain its odor even after the canine digestion process because of a ingredient called Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), or "the death spice", as the health zealots call it. Once this MSG is digested by any dog, the MSG molecules attack the enzymes that are responsible for turning digested food into dog poop. In the scientific world, these enzymes are known as the Direct Odor Override (DOO) enzymes. I know we all take the smell of dog poop for granted, but let me tell you, those little dog DOO enzymes have to work very hard to get poop to smell like that.

Ok, as I said, the MSG attacks the dog DOO enzymes, and prevents them from converting the Chinese food smell into dog poop smell. This is why the Chinese food retains its odor even after the canine digestive process. What you end up with is the familiar look and shape of dog poop, with the pleasant aroma of "Sesame Chicken".

Question: ...how can it [the poop] possibly come out his ass that shortly after consuming it [the Chinese food]...

Answer: In the Canine world, there are many things that male dogs feel are "noble". One of them is to try to dry hump everything at least once before they die. Another one, and possibly the most noble, is having a bowel movement as soon as possible after eating. I personally know many dogs that have had cosmetic intestine-shortening surgery in order to expedite the digestion process. To a dog, expeditious dumping is equal to pulling a baby from a burning building.

Question:...he pleasures himself with the pillows on my bed...

Answer: He sure does!

There you have it "Pillowless". Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2003 16:57:39 -(PDT) 01:30:45 (GMT +3) Kuwait Riyadh
From: Doug <dipshit@gayassporn.com>
To: <brooks-john@imbetterthanyou.com>
Subject: Editorial on this Site, By Doug.


We'll do a small critique on the site.

Color Scheme?

Is it Halloween, or are my eyes deceiving me? BLUE AND ORANGE, GG!!! (THE PHRASE, NOT THE NAME, COCKOTARDS). A colorblind blind deaf mute orangutan could come up with a better color scheme by shitting on a piece of paper and promptly rubbing it around. It's like he's trying to eyefuck us through horrible colors.... we aren't buying it, Mr. Goodmeat. Either that, or he's colorblind... maybe this will turn him around.

Rants?

I'm sick of typing and this is stupid. I bet he still posts it though, because his site is that bad. He needs content. We'll end here. Seriously, his site sucks that much. Now he's begging me to put this up... just to give his site some sort of "meaningful" content. Yeah... put it on your site... along with all your pink and purple triangles and rainbows, homer.

In conclusion, this article may suck, but it's the best thing on the site. If you'd like to see a better site, please type any keyword into google and hit, "I'm feeling lucky". You will most likely come up with something better than this shit.


/this article was typed in microsoft notepad. It has not been checked for spelling or grammatical errors. If you are an English Nazi, please send complaints to: president@whitehouse.com.

You know what, I am a fan of using expletives, but this is ridiculous. Thanks for the email "Doug", if that is your real name. Keep them coming. I believe, as evidenced by this website, that the best thing to do with a website is to fill it up with as much useless boring shit as possible. Your keen eye is just what we need here at the Goodmeat Conglomerate.