Manly

I am pretty sure I am as manly as they come.  I know it is hard to believe by looking at me, but I can confidently say that I am ultra-manly.  You want proof?  Fine, here are examples...

1.  My sperm count is so high that when I touch any sort of "plant-life," (i.e. household ferns, weeds in the yard, people in the entertainment industry, etc) said "plant-life" immediately asexually reproduces, moves to Utah and becomes a Mormon.

2.  On two separate occasions, I, on a dare, had metal jewelry "added" to my "unit."  Now it is not important what kind of "addition" I added (Prince Albert), or why I did it (I wanted my penis to appear "bionic"), let me just tell you that painful meat-stabbage was necessary to achieve the desired "look."  Well, let me just say that on the way home, in the car, I was the coolest person with a homosexual piercing sitting in the drivers seat at that moment.

Note:  I was not aware of the homosexual connotations of a "Prince Albert."  Shortly after I joined a "Prince Albert" information group on yahoo.  You know that type of place, people get together online to talk about their "additions," give each other advice, and pretty much talk about how surprised they were when they realized the getting a piercing in the penile area hurts like a mother fucker.  Anyway, it did not take me long to notice that the most feverish participants to the group were, hmm, how should I say this, ummmm, lets just say that these guys could be categorized as "Fruity."  Since then, 90% of the people I have met that have "bionic" additions to their units definitely play for the "Pink" team.

Another Note:  Driving in a car while bleeding profusely from the groinial-man-unit area is not recommended. No matter how cool you think you look, or how excited you are, it is not really worth it.  People in other cars are not aware of your new "hardware" nor do they care.  They do not see "Bionic-Penis Man", instead, they see "Severe-Blood-Loss while-Driving-A-Car Man", and I am fairly certain that this is illegal in most cities.

Note:  Groinial is a word I just made up.  It means, "Area on a human body located just below the navel and extending downward to the mid thigh."

3.  One time, while drunk, I pierced my ear (the non-gay side) with one of my wife's earrings.

4.  One time, while drunk, I pierced my ear (again, non-gay side) with one of those plastic cocktail swords.

Note:  Manly examples 1-4 can be argued to not be very manly.  I am aware of this, I am trying to fill up space.  I get paid by the inch.  No one ever won a Pulitzer with  3 lines of crap.

5.  The most manly thing I have ever done is provide sperm to make two perfect children.  I delivered the sperm to my wife in the normal way and 9 months later, out popped my daughter. 

We did not immediately name her.  Naming kids is hard, you don't want to screw it up.  What if you wanted to name your daughter "L.L.Cool J.," but when she got older, she clearly looked like a "Megan", or a "Barbara?"  How embarrassing would that be?  My wife and I wanted to get this right the first time, or die trying. 

We argued for three grueling minutes, Neither me, nor my wife would back down.  I was sure that my daughter's name should be "Jethro Tull", whilst my wife really wanted something girly and stupid like "Lucy", or "Arial."  We were deadlocked.  After another grueling minute, my wife (she is the smart one in the relationship) thought of a brilliant, but simple idea.  An idea so simple it was brilliant.  An idea who's brilliance was only slightly overshadowed by it's simplicity. 

This great idea was to wait until our daughter was old enough to talk, and once she was old enough, we would simply ask her what her name was.  Sheer Brilliance I tell you. 

So that is how our daughter got her name.  We asked her, and she told us.  Luckily, she started talking after she was 3 days old. It is a good thing we waited, since both me and my wife were way off on what we thought her name was.

Note:  Due to legal reasons, I cannot disclose the name of my daughter.  I have not received permission.  Ok, her name is "Madison," don't tell anyone.

Wait, this is not about how my wife and I named our first child.  This is about how manly I am. 

Well, 16 months after my daughter slid out of my wife, my son slid out.  That's right, I made a boy!  Let me tell you, my son is the most manly, dinosaur-loving, transformer-playing-with, GI Joe-having man-boy to have ever walked on this planet.  My son actually wishes he was a Tyrannosaurus so that he could murder, than eat all the "pansy-assed plant-eating dinosaurs."  I am not sure, but I think "pansy-assed, plant-eating dinosaurs" is a euphemism for vegetarians.  He is almost seven now, and he already knows that vegetarians are stupid and should be eaten by large carnivores.  I am so proud of him.

The only thing that my son needs to work on, is his unnatural fear of Muppets.  I am not sure why he has this strange phobia.  He can watch "Starship Troopers" and root for the bugs, but if he happens to see Kermit the Frog doing something stupid on Sesame Street, he runs away screaming.  What is a father to do?  Well, since I am his dad, and I am in need of constant entertainment and supervision, I quickly thought of the scariest thing I could combine with Muppets to make them scarier.  Of course, the only logical way to make Muppets scarier is to add "Needle Hands" to them.  My favorite joke to tell my son now is:

Me:  Knock Knock...

My son:  Who's there?

Me:  Muppets with Needle hands!

My son:  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I am sure he will be fine, he is, after all, the manliest man-boy to ever have walked the planet.  He will find a way to overcome this unnatural fear.  If that means finding all the Muppets in the world and destroying them, so be it.  He is my son and he can do what ever he wants, as long as he steers clear of bionic additions to his groinial man-unit area.