MTV sucks

MTV is horribly horrible. It is vapidly stupid and is destroying our young people. I hate it more than I hate Paris Hilton, or Janet Jackson, or Lindsy Lohan, or "The Pussycat Dolls", or, etc. I apparently have a lot of hate to give.

You may feel inclined to tell me "not to hate". But how can you tell me to stop doing something I am incredibly well versed at? That is like telling me to "not be awesome." I can't stop. I blame MTV for giving me reason to hate. You can call me a hate-monger, but if I am a hate-monger, then MTV is a hate-monger assembly plant with a graveyard shift that is open on holidays and weekends.

I have learned that MTV has the ability to transform normal, law-abiding, speedlimit-adhering, tax-paying, overweight, bald, adults (people over 30) into rabid, hate-spewing, balls of white hot acidic fury.

I shall explain...wait, there is too much, I shall sum up...

I had the "pleasure" (I say pleasure because it all but proved my theory that, as a society, we are doomed) of catching the last few minutes of TRL on MTV. This is not normal for me. I do not try to catch TRL on any regular basis, but I was waiting for "The Simpsons" to come on. Anyway, what I saw was one of the most horrible things I have seen on TV in a while. Way worse than anything in the movie "Employee of the Month"

There was this guy hosting, I do not know what his name is, and it does not matter, but he was interviewing two 15 year-old females. These girls were competing to be on an MTV produced show called "Sweet Sixteen" or something. I am not going to go into the myriad of things wrong with this "Sweet Sixteen" show, that is for another day, but the competition that ensued went something like this.

As I said, I came in at the end, and one girl was somehow ahead by a score of 25 points to zero. I am not sure how the first girl got 25 points, but it probably involved something inappropriate for a 15 year-old, say a lap-dance. After all, it was MTV.

The last portion of the competition involved a dance-off. The dance-off was important because it was worth 30 points, so it was still anyone's game. Let me tell you, the excitement and tension was so thick, I could hardly breathe (probably because I was trying hard not to vomit as my body rejected what my eyes were witnessing). I subdued my better instincts to turn it off and waited with bated breath to see what would happen. The quesadilla I had cooked in the microwave would have to wait until I had some closure.

The first girl started "dancing". Now when I say "dancing", I do not mean "square dancing", or the "Lindy Hop" (although if she did the "Lindy Hop" would be the sweetest). I use the term "dancing" here in the sluttiest, pole dancing, prostitutional manner. This young girl gyrated and grinded to some shitty song that I do not know the name of for about 45 seconds. All the while the crowd of children (13-17 year-olds) cheered the way men in strip clubs cheer, although there were no men in the audience.

The second girl, knowing she was against the ropes, pulled out all the stops and gave it her all. This was no small feat considering she could not take her clothes off. The second girls dance was slower, but still had the requisite amount of gyrations. She also had backup dancers who mimicked her dance (the backup dancers were also about 15 years-old). She received the same sort of hoot/hollar/catcall accolades from the child audience.

Now it was time for the moment of truth. Which girl would win? Would it be the rapid frenetic stripper whore dance from the first girl, or the slow sultry gyrating accompanied slut dance from the second girl? There seemed no way to clearly determine a winner, but the MTV producers apparently had a plan to remedy this impasse. Queue the applause-o-meter.

The host had the children clap for which girl made their "danger zones" vibrate the most. The applause-o-meter then measured which girl received the most applause-noise from the audience. (I am not sure how the applause-o-meter works, but I am sure it involves the latest space-age technology combined with a gas-chromatograph) At this point, I was enraptured (insert sarcastic parenthetical quip here). Who would win? I quickly moistened my eyes with some Visine so I would not have to blink.

***Spoiler Alert***

Well, the second girl won. She came from behind in a dramatic spectacle of execution, originality and showmanship. She was at least 33.42% sluttier than the first girl, according to the applause-o-meter. I'm sure the applause-o-meter was calibrated to ensure accuracy before hand. It was not actually alluded to, but since we know what sort of family-oriented programming TRL is providing, I'm sure everything was legitimate. I am totally cool with being at the ethical mercy of TRL. You should be too.

***End Spoiler Alert***

All sarcasm aside, this stuff makes me angry. As I watched the show, I could taste the fury in my mouth as it bubbled up from my gut. Are these girls orphans? Where are these girls parents? I could never allow my daughter to extort herself in this manner. Do these girls' parents hate their daughters so much that they would permit them to defile themselves on worldwide television? This is reprehensible.

I guess what I can take away from this experience is that my hatred toward MTV is justified.

One more thing, I know that everyone is aware of the fact that MTV rarely plays videos. And I also know that many people have joked and/or complained about it since they adopted the "3% music videos/93.5% 15 year-olds acting like whores" format (3.5% undecided, 6.5% margin for error). Well, the TRL program does air a smattering of videos, but it is only approximately 1/3rd of each video, or, to be exact, 33.42%, for some reason. Maybe the applause-o-meter needs to be calibrated.