The After Halloween Incident

Ok, well it has been a while since I have last updated this site.  It seems to be a common theme lately.  I will have you know that it is not my fault (nothing ever is).

In case you are all not aware, I like to update this site while I am at work, so I can pretend I am funny enough to get paid.  Updating from home seems like work, and also gets in the way of Rock Band, World of Warcraft, alcoholism, etc.

Anyway...We recently had what is known as a "tech refresh" at work.  What does that mean to the layman?  I'm glad you asked.  A "tech refresh" is when the management starts to feel guilty about requiring us lowly worker bees to work with computers that are over 10 years old.  The rectification of this guilt, is to buy computers that are four years old to replace the older computers.  What happens is a technical "refresh" of the older computers into newer, slightly less shitty computers.

So far so good.  Newer computers can be a good thing.  The problems arise when I realize that all of my web-authoring/photo editing software illegally loaded onto my old work computer are not automatically illegally loaded onto my new computer.  The problem is compounded when I realize it will be at least a few months before the local admin password to the new computers gets passed around.

So why am I sharing this?  Well, something strange happened about a week after Halloween 2008.  That would make this about four months ago for you laymen.  I have been meaning to let the world know of this strange thing, but as you can see from the above rhetoric, I have been unsuccessful.  So, without further ado, here it is...

The Halloween party was a rousing success.  You can read all about it on the pages I shamelessly provided links for on my index page.  People at work talk about it to this day, even when I don't bring up how awesome it was.  One thing that added to the greatness of the party, was the authentic graveyard diorama on display in our front yard.  The graveyard display had all of the things you would expect from a novelty graveyard diorama; bones, gravestones, a spooky archway, grass, dirt, and an evil red hue that was accomplished by placing red light bulbs in our porch light fixtures.  The effect was pretty sweet.  It was the first thing guests saw as they arrived at our house.  Everyone agreed it was authentic looking.  I really hated taking the whole thing down the next day.

What I did not realize is that the awesome power of the graveyard diorama would not be fully felt until four nights later.

For all those just getting here, we live in Germany.

The following Tuesday morning at 4:13am, as I was resting peacefully, there was a loud knock at the door.  Gloria, instantly on high alert since she had recently watched the movie The Strangers, quickly, as if by magic, conjures a large butcher knife out of thin air.  She hands me the knife and insisted I go see who was at the door.  At this point, Wingus and Dingus, our phenomenally stupid dogs, are going ape-shit at the front door.  I took the knife and put some sweatpants on.  I walked to the door and picked up Dingus (the stupider of the two).  I could see, since our front door consists of 90% glass, that there was a man standing outside waiting for me.

I slowly opened the door using my elbow, since I had a knife concealed behind my back, while holding a retarded dog in the other arm.  Wingus immediately ran outside and proceeded to sniff our late night visitor.  Here is how the ensuing verbal exchange transpired.

Me: Uhhh, Hello?

Man at door (thick German accent):  yes, hello, you...club...guten...?

Me (super pissed): What?  It's late, very late, what do you want?

Man at door:  No, no, is ok?  I come in?  Is club?

Gloria (hiding behind coat rack, whispering): Show him the knife!!

Me (ultra pissed):  Dude, its four in the morning, please leave.

I could tell the man was very drunk, and as I watched him stumble away, I noticed our porch light was on.  I then noticed that I had not changed the light bulb.  There was still a red light in our porch light fixture!  Like a red light bulb illuminating above my head, I quickly determined what had happened.

Apparently a red porch light is indicative of certain things in Europe.  Well, not so much certain things, but more like one specific thing.  Something like your house is a club and will let people in so that services may be rendered upon them.

My anger quickly transitioned into embarrassment.  The drunk German was long gone, but I cannot help but feel bad for him.  He was just drunk, walking down the road minding his own business at four in the morning, when he noticed a beacon of pleasure in a location not previously known for such.  He attempted to enter the pleasure beacon, but was hastily scorned.  I truly feel bad.  If I had only realized what he wanted, I may have been able to help him on his way to a actual pleasure beacon, or sold him one of the dogs.

So there you have it.  Proof positive that I have single-handedly contributed to the "stupid American" mindset many Europeans seem to have.  All I had to do was set a sex trap for a horny-drunk German.

I am glad I can do my part.