I am not smart...

I am not a smart man.  I admit it.  If I see something that looks interesting, and someone tells me that it is dangerous, I will still do it.  I do not want to learn from other's mistakes, I want to learn from my own mistakes.  That is why, when I was a kindergartener at Culverdale elementary in Irvine, CA (Town motto: "Go fuck yourself"), and I heard my teacher Mrs. Matoikie tell the class not to put things into electrical outlets, I immediately went home, quickly found two paperclips and promptly inserted them (one in each hole) into the nearest electrical outlet.

I can tell you that sticking 2 paperclips into an electrical outlet is quite painful.  I can't explain what it felt like, other than it felt like an enormous shock.  My whole point is, I had to learn the electrical outlet lesson on my own.  After that eventful day, I never had to stick any other metal objects into an outlet, because I already knew what would happen.  Metal + outlet = Pain.  I tried to get my sister to try it, but she apparently comes from the "learn from others mistakes" school of thought.  I really hated her when I was younger.

I did not stop there.  When I was a little older living in Oregon, I of course, had to "test" the electric fences once before I believed that they actually carried electricity through them.  One other thing I learned that day, once you grab an electric wire, its difficult to let go.  Luckily, a friend was near me with a stick and "helped" me release my grip by whacking me on the forearm until I let go.  Those were the days...

I did not really have any other incidents until I was an adult.  I was living in England and I had just moved into a British house.  I got a washer and dryer and tried to install them.  The washer was no problem.  It had a normal British plug and so I only had to plug it in.  The dryer on the other hand, did not have a plug on the end.  Just two exposed wires.  I asked around and was told that normally, you call an electrician to hook up your dryer.  Well, screw that.  I was not going to pay for something that I could do myself.  I figured out what to do and put the wires in the right place.  As I was screwing the last screw in, the screwdriver slipped and touched a "hot" area on the outlet.  It hurt a lot, and I started stringing obscenities together in a creative fashion.  I  finished putting the faceplate on the outlet and felt very proud of myself.  I had saved myself 20 pounds (about $37) and all I had to do was almost die from electrocution.  I amaze myself sometimes.

Now that I am thinking about electric safety, here is a tip.  If you are putting up shelves, make sure you do not drill a hole that is directly above an outlet.  Sometimes, the jokers that built the house will run the wiring from the outlet in a line straight up from the outlet.  I was attempting to put some shelves in our laundry room one time, and I drilled a screw into the wall and hit an electrical line.  All I remember is a loud pop and a small puff of black smoke squeak out of the new hole I made.  I did not get shocked, but the electric drill I was using was never the same after that, and there was a large un-cleanable black mini-explosion mark on the wall.  The outlet never worked again after that.  When we finally moved out of the house, I got some paint and painted over the black mark.  I am a genius.

You may be wondering what made me think of these stupid, yet informative things I have done.  Well, tonight, I went to the help desk at work because I needed to borrow a truck to move some equipment.  I got the vehicle check-out book and picked up the pen that was with it.  This pen I speak of, was not actually a pen, but a gag item that looks like a pen.  When you pick up the pen, and you click the top to get the ball-point to come out, you receive a minor shock on your finger tip.  I stood there wondering why the tip would not extend while at the same time, wondering why I getting the shit shocked out of me.  After shocking myself about 15 times, I noticed that the entire helpdesk was peeing their pants laughing at me.  I finally got the joke and killed them all for laughing at me by stabbing them in the throat with my car keys. 

Ok, I did not kill them.  I laughed along with them.  It was a good joke.  The only thing is, I had shocked myself so many times, that it did not really bother me that much anymore.  I kept shocking myself, laying down on the button trying to burn out the battery.  I kept it up for about 30 seconds until the owner of the "pen" took it from me.  We joked around some more and I asked to see the "pen" again.  I wondered how much it would hurt if I tried it on any other parts of my body.  I tired it on my temple, but nothing happened.  Then I tried it on my forehead.  Let me tell you, I now know what brain damage feels like.  My head felt like cartoon characters look when they get shocked.  The people at the helpdesk burst out with a renewed fit of uncontrolled laughter.  Apparently the look on my face was rather hilarious.  I immediately dropped the pen and got to stabbing them in the throat with my car keys. 

Ok, I did not stab them, I ran away crying. 

Ok, no, I did not run away crying, Instead, I started laughing along with them, although in the back of my head, I was a little worried that I had done some damage to myself.  I went to the bathroom and pretended to pee while waiting for everyone to leave.  Once I was alone,  I looked in the mirror and repeated the alphabet out loud to make sure I wasn't slurring my speech.  I then checked to make sure I was not cross-eyed.  Everything seemed fine, and I appeared to be un-damaged.  Just in case, as a final test, I sang, out loud, "It's raining men!" by "The Weather Girls".  

I am happy I did not damage myself.  Even if there had been side affects, it would have been worth it.  You cannot put a price on knowledge.  Learning from your own mistakes is a priceless skill.  Anyways, If there is any latent damage, I am sure it will probably go away on its own.